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10 Lamest G.I. Joe Characters

Toy G.I. Joe by Joey Paur
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With so many  G.I. Joe characters created over the years there were bound to be a few useless duds that would be left behind in a battle against Cobra or any other terrorist organization. I love G.I. Joe, I grew up with this franchise, but I've got to say, some of the G.I. Joe members that Hasbro came up with are pretty ridiculous. Here are ten characters that really have no business being G.I. Joes. These characters are so lame it was hard to find decent pictures of them.

Sci-Fi - Seymour P. Fine

Sci-Fi is like a hot great highlighter. His primary specialty was his ability to fire his laser. You know who else is good at firing a laser? Every other G.I. Joe team member! Lasers are all anybody has for weapons. You know what his skill was in firing a laser, though? Standing really still. They might as well have hired someone to who specialized in tying their shoes.  

 

Falcon - Vincent Falcone

This is Duke's younger half-brother and the biggest douchebag the G.I. Joes had to offer. He had major authority issues, and he spent more time trying to get into Jinx's pants than he did training to fight Cobra. There's a scene in G.I. Joe: The Movie where he's literally harassing Jinx to the point of uncomfortableness. 

 

Captain Grid-Iron - Terrence Lyndon

This guy was a football jock whose speciality was hand to hand combat. Not sure what good that does him or the rest of the Joes since the team is overflowing with ninjas and other trained men who know how to throw a punch. He also tries way to hard to be likable and annoys his teammates, and the fact that he does a John Wayne impression doesn't help.

 

Altitude - John Edward O. Jones

Even though he's labeled a "Sky Patrol Recon Scout," his primary job with the Joes is as an artist. He actually joined the team after the “collapse of syndicated cartoon programming." I'm not even joking. So, basically, he would jump out of a plane and into battle where he would draw. His file card specifically says the Joes used his sketches instead of photos because they’re so precise. I'm dead serious. With technology like satellites and cameras, this guy's job was obsolete the moment he joined. 

Dee-Jay - Thomas R. Rossi III

Dee-Jay is actually a DJ. He quit DJ-ing to join G.I. Joe, where his DJ skills to become a Radio Telephone Operator. His file card says, “If it is loaded with transistors, portable and transmits or receives radio waves, Dee-Jay can make it work, fix it and coax strange sounds out of it with an infectious beat." So he basically provides a soundtrack for the Joes while they're on missions? The guy has zero experience in anything military, how did he get on the elite G.I. Joe team? 

Scoop - Leonard Michaels

In the cartoon Scoop started out working for Cobra but eventually ended up being a paid journalist on the G.I. Joe team after spying on them for awhile. He realized Cobra were the bad guys. In the comics he was chosen by Congress to observe and document G.I. Joe's actions for evaluation on behalf of the congressional committee. That made him a very unpopular guy. Plus, while everyone is in the middle of battle fighting for their lives and for the free world, he's holding a camera.

Alpine - Albert M. Pine

I guess if you need a guy who knows how to climb mountains, Alpine is your man. That's what he does. He climbs mountains and he can do it with weapons, armor, ammunition and communications equipment. Oh yeah! To make things even more exciting he also does boo keeping as a finance clerk. Alpine also likes to remind his team that the FBI has brought in more bad guys through accounting than by kicking down doors.

Banzai - Robert J. Traavano

Out of all the ninjas that G.I. Joe has on their team, Banzai is the least cool. Why he chose purplish pink as his color is beyond me. It makes him stick out like a sore thumb, and it does nothing to strike the fear into the hearts of men. However, he does succeed in looking like a shirtless pedophile who wears a mask. His name is also kind of inappropriate as he's an American, and Banzai is what Japanese soldiers yelled when attacking Americans during World War II.

Colonel Courage - Cliff V. Mewett

No joke, Colonel Courage's speciality is "Administrative Strategist." He's a G.I. Joe paper pusher! While the rest of the team is out fighting, he's back on the base doing paperwork. I have no idea how he ended up with the name Colonel Courage, as it takes little courage to hang back and do the filing.

 

Ice Cream Soldier - Tom-Henry Ragan

This poor soldier has the worst freakin' name in the G.I. Joe team. I don't care that he's a flame-thrower specialist and he can burn Cobra soldiers to death with it. His name is Ice Cream Soldier, and I don't see how anyone could ever take him seriously. On top of that, the Joes already had Blowtorch. 

 

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