15 Laughable HE-MAN Action Figures
He-Man and the Masters of the Universe was one of my favorite cartoons when I was a kid, and I had a ridiculous amount of He-Man action figures. I spent hours playing in my back yard with my He-Man toys, rigging them up all over the place and making up my own storylines. I've got to say, though, there were some pretty silly characters they came up with that I look back on now and can't help but laugh about. I have no idea what Mattel was thinking when they came up with some of these deranged characters, but I put together a list of fifteen of the most laughable ones. Just because I call them laughable doesn't mean they aren't still awesome... because they are! I loved these action figures.
Let's face it, He-Man had its fair share of terrible characters and action figures, but Moss Man was especially ridiculous. It's horrific looking and reminded me more of fungus than it does moss. The moss even had a damp feel when you touched it. For effect, the toy makers gave the action figure a "real pine scent."
Here's another He-Man action figure that had to be on the list. Why? Because he actually came with a stinky stench made from patchouli oil. His power was literally to stink. I actually owned this stupid-ass figure, and for the life of me I can't remember why.
This is the first He-Man figure that didn't prominently feature chest muscles and a crotch because they covered him in a hair. What in the hell was Mattel thinking when they made this? It reminds me of a Tribble from Star Trek. I'm sure they included the cross-bow weapon in hopes it would sell.
This poor bastard had no real future in the Kingdom of Eternia so what job does he get? They put a colander on his head and make him a human battering ram! What's even more sad is that even in the commercial advertising the Ram Man figure, he's unable to knock down a door that he repeatedly rams with his head. Ram Man is a complete failure.
This character is couple shades of purple, six-feet-tall, covered in spikes, and he has some kind of triton claw weapon where his hand should be. The character's spikes were actually an armor that was magically fused to his body. I'm not sure what that does for him other than make him look weird. This figure was completely impractical, but the commercial has an awesome menacing theme song!
Rio Blast sounds like the name of a new Mountain Dew flavor. The character is the cowboy warrior of Eternia and he's strapped with an arsenal of laser guns. Some of these guns were built into his chest and knees that would pop out. This guy was a one man army, and way too over the top with his seven weapons of destruction.
This figure is a cyborg warrior that is made to look like a knight. What makes him special though is that he can mechanically extend his limbs, waist, and neck to extreme proportions because apparently growing taller makes him invincible. That logic doesn't make sense to me, but I'm a short dude, so I guess I'm screwed.
Hordak and His Evil Horde
Hordak surrounded himself with some pretty crappy supervillains that included Leech and Mantena, as well as Grizzlor, who I already mentioned. Hordak used this team to help him conquer Eternia after Skeletor betrayed him and trapped him in "another dimension." I've got to say though that the commercial released for these figures was awesome.
This was such a disturbing character. He was a two headed evil warrior, and each half of his body was from some kind of completely different species. It's the most nightmarish siamese twin ever. The toy was marketed as the "double-headed evil strategist," the only thing was the two characters argued with each other more than they strategized.
This figure was described as an "evil beast of a thousand bodies." It was one of the more unique figures because it was made of 22 different pieces that could be locked together to form different shapes. That way he could confuse his enemies. Of course most kids lost most of the pieces, and in the end he was just a torso with a head or two.
Mosquitor was a giant cyborg mosquito, described as an "evil energy-draining insectoid." He would drain the blood of his opponents, which allowed him to recharge and give him more energy. He was supposed to be menacing, there was even a button on his back that when you pressed it his stomach fill up with that blood, but how can anyone take a guy that looks like this seriously?
He's a man and a lobster… or a crab hybrid. He has one giant claw that can crush things and a little claw for use in everyday activities, like holding a mace to beat people with. All I know is that he looks like some kind of scientific experiment gone wrong. Hell, all of the these He-Man action figures do!
This guy may have rocked a badass beard and stash, but his claim to fame is a giant metal hand that he would punch people with. The character could also smash through rock and other hard surfaces. This must have been a dark time for Mattel where they were really hurting for character ideas.
Stonedar and Rokkon
Stonedar and Rokkon transformed into rocks! What kind of kid would want a toy that transforms into a rock?! That just seems like the stupidest idea ever. That's even worse than the robot that transformed into a building in the Tom Hanks movie Big.
He's a cyborg with a human body and a metal elephant head. I swear, some of these toy designers must have been high when they thought these things up. This character's main purpose was to be a firefighter, and his main power was shooting jets of water from his snout.