Dr. Venkman Reviews: 'Max Payne' Boring!

by Joey Paur

If there is one word I could use to describe this film it would be... AWFUL! Max Payne is one of the most boring movies I have seen all year. I could have swore they marketed this movie as a bad ass action flick! There was nothing bad ass about it.

All the best parts of the movie were in the trailer for cryin out loud! Do you remember that scene from the trailer, where Max is running through the glass hallway as he is being shot at? That is the only action sequence in the whole damn movie and that was the full sequence!

The rest of the movie is watching gloomy depressed Max Payne trying to find out who killed his wife, but even that storyline is executed so poorly. There is nothing interesting about it. The characters are incredibly flat. Everyone is monotone. There is no weight or emotional depth. The dialogue could have been written by a kid in Jr. high. I have seen shit on the Disney channel that has better writing and acting. I couldn't believe the dialogue that was written for these characters. It was so uninteresting and bad. The main problem for this movie was it's sorry ass script, written by the same guy that directed it, John Moore.

I am shocked that this movie was so bad. I was really looking forward to it! I at least thought it would be a fun popcorn flick. It's not even that! It's not fun at all! The movie runs about an hour and forty minutes and I couldn't wait for it to end.

They have this villain in the film Jack played by Prison Breaks Amaury Nolasco. This is one of the weakest villains in the history of film. He just stands around on rooftops with a machete and goofy grin on his face the whole time. They build up the hype of this character so much in the movie that you think there is going to be some really crazy throw down fight at the end. When the final confrontation with this guy happens... wait, I don't know if I would even call it a confrontation, it just kind of fizzles into a very weak conclusion.

Mark Wahlberg sucked as Max Payne. It wasn't much better than his performance in ‘The Happening'. Mila Kunis was hot as Mona Sax but sucked. Ludacris played Jim Bravura but he didn't do that well either. The best actor in the movie was Beau Bridges as BB Hensley, he was the only non monotone guy in the cast. And Chris O'Donnell did a good job getting punched in the face repeatedly.

Visually the movie looked good. The tone and style was good. The lighting snow, embers and demons were all pretty cool, but it does not save the movie from being a big fat turd that was crapped out by director John Moore. He tried to be cool with slow motion, but it was not cool at all. There was one slow motion shot which is in the preview where Max jumps backwards with a shotgun and starts shooting. This is one of the longest most uninteresting slow motion shots ever.

Look. ‘Max Payne' sucked ass. Don't waste your money or your time. I implore you, go see something else. Wait for it to come out on DVD. This movie should have been better. It had the potential to be better but that brought in a director that didn't know what the hell he was doing. John Moore has joined the ranks of Brett Ratner.

If you want to see a good Max Payne story then go out and play the video game. It was much better than this movie. 

I have to say this review of Max Payne is more like a rant. Whatever you decide to see as long as it isn't Max Payne you'll enjoy your time at the movies.



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