A GUYS Guide to Watching 'TWILIGHT'

by Joey Paur

Are you A Male going to see Twilight? I've got some Tips for you.

As you know Twilight is going to blow up in theaters this weekend to take the number 1 spot in the box office and will probably hold that spot for quite some time. I thought it would be appropriate to address the guys at this time for the fact that as much as you don't want to see this movie, and you talk about how ridiculous the whole Twilight thing is, some of you are still going to go see it, like myself. So I thought I would offer a few suggestions.

  • You can not go alone, and you especially can't go with another man. You must have at least one female with you, and if you go with more than one female then it cannot exceed 3 girls to one guy. Any more than that, then be aware that people are going to start questioning your sexuality. You may think deep down that you are a real ladies man and totally awesome, but don't fool yourself. Trust me you don't want to be "that guy".

  • Now, if the girl you are going with is just a "friend" then it is so obvious that you want to be more than that if you are going to see ‘Twilight' with her. If this is the case then tonight is the night to share your feelings with her because she is going to be on top of the world and on a ‘Twilight' high. She is going to be over run with feelings and emotions, that she wants the perfect Edward in her life, this is your chance to move your friendship relationship to the next level. You can be that Edward in her life. Don't pansy out of this opportunity, it's what you always wanted! Embrace the opportunity! This could be your ticket to happiness.

  • So what should you wear to the movie? I assume most hard core fans are going to dress up as their favorite characters, wear Twilight t-shirts and sweaters some for Team Edward and others for Team Jacob. I think the main color among the people will be black. If you are not into black then definitely do not wear white or other bright colors. You will stick out like a sore thumb, and you don't want that unless you are looking to bring attention to yourself. You will want to go with earth tones such as khaki, beige, camo, and green are all good choices. It will give that vibe that "Hey, yeah I'm here, but I'm not really here, you don't notice me, and I'm not a crazy ‘Twilight' fan. These aren't the droids your looking for, move along." I dare you to wear a "I'm with stupid t-shirt"!

  • Even though you have bashed this movie for so long, there is a possibility you may actually end up liking the movie. If this is the case you cannot show or admit that you liked it because then you might as well crush your balls with a hammer. You just gotta take those feelings and bury them deep down, this is America dammit! You also won't hear the end of it from your lady friends.

  • For those of you who are married or in a serious relationship, do not be threatened or intimidated by Edward. This perfect male was written by a female author and this is her perfect man. This is the guy every girl wants, but he does not really exist and no matter how hard you try you will never live up to the standards that the character has set. You may hear things like "Why can't you be more like Edward? and Edward is a "real man" and other things I am sure. Don't take it personal, this is a fictional character that doesn't exist. Maybe if you were a 107 year old vampire that had the time to perfect his lady skills you too could hook up with a 17 year old chick. Edward has set such a high bar for males that I feel sorry for any guy that is trying to hook up with a Twilighter, because now she is looking for a perfect guy that does not exsit.

Just do your best not to bring attention to yourself. You want to stay indifferent and neutral. Even if you don't like the movie hold your tongue until you get home. You don't want to be attacked and destroyed by the Twilight mob and you don't want to piss off your woman, so if you need to rant about your experience then feel free to do that here. We will have support group to help each other through this difficult time. We are here to listen.



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