G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra will kill a great Franchise

by Joey Paur

When I first heard G.I. Joe was finally going to get its big screen debut I was ecstatic! I am one of the biggest G.I. Joe fans on the planet. I grew up with this group of elite soldiers and it plays a big part of my childhood. Not only did I own the majority of the figures but I also owned most of the vehicles including the giant aircraft carrier that took up all the space in my bedroom. I would like to say there was no fan bigger than myself but I know there are tons of G.I. Joe fans in the world that feel the same way I do about these characters. When a movie was going to be made about G.I. Joe it had to be true to the source material, true to the characters and design. I wanted to see my favorite characters brought to life in the way they were meant to be seen.

Enter Stephen Sommers. As soon as I heard this guy was attached to direct I knew our characters were doomed. I didn't want to believe it though! I shut that negative attitude out and pushed it deep inside my gut hoping that I was wrong, that Stephen Sommers was going to make a badass dream come true G.I. Joe movie. Then the costume designs were released and I was lividly pissed off! There was no more holding it back he ruined the characters. He didn't even come close to who they are. Not only that, but the costume designs were shit! Everybody is wearing the same back outfit! There is no individuality! They gave Snake Eyes face mask lips for hells sake! Lips molded into his face. What the hell is that all about!? That's just as gay as giving Batman nipples for cryin-out-loud! And what in the hell is up with these stupid ass giant shoulder pads? What are they dressed up in!? Are they robots?

I am not sure what kind of vehicles these guys are going to sport. But I saw one vehicle at comic-con that just looked retarded. It was like a drill. I am sure it will be used to travel underground, but what the hell!? I want to see some of the iconic vehicles that I use to play with come to life. I can live with the vehicles being modified to an extent. Who knows hopefully there will be some cool vehicles.

The most recent news to hit the web is Joseph Gordon-Levitts description of the new Cobra Commander. He won't be wearing the blue outfit or the iconic mask or hood. I assume he will be wearing black just like everyone else in the movie. He talks about how they went ahead and reinvented the character. Well hell, it looks like they reinvented the whole damn franchise now didn't they?

Here is what Stephen Sommers and all these other producers went and did. They took the character names of the original G.I. Joes including the title because it has marketability and made a movie that in no way will represent G.I. Joe.

This movie is going to be mediocre as hell. The original animated G.I. Joe movie will end up being better than the trash it looks like they are making. I hate this, because we may never get to see a decent G.I. Joe movie now. We got a description of some footage that was shown the other day:

we saw a number of unfinished scenes including introductions to Duke, The Baroness and Snake Eyes. We also saw a computer generating scene which acted as a story board for the eventual filming. There was a scene where the baroness comes home to France and we got to see the mansion, another scene where a member of GI Joe is captured by COBRA, Chris Eccleston and Arnold Voslo both look on form. Finally we saw a scene which involves a MASSIVE car chase and the eventually toppling of the Eiffel Tower. The film itself look like typical Steven Sommers schtik, massively enjoyable, Sienna Miller looks amazing but I do not think it will fare well with critics, action is very stylised from the scenes I saw, the character development is terrible, Marlon Wayans in particular looked bad!!

Character development is terrible, I also imagine the story and dialogue will be terrible as well. Transformers can get away with it because it's big distracting giant robots. So what do they do to distract the audience from the bad story and dialogue? They have a massive car chase scene and bring down the Effie Towers. Bloody wankers. G.I. Joe could have been an amazing film that would live on as a classic film! But they put the movie in to the wrong hands and now it is doomed to suck forever. Fans like me are already getting pissed off.

There is still about 5% of me that is keeping a little hope open. I am interested in what the first trailer will look like because that is its last line of defense. If the trailer is as bad as everything else that I have heard and seen, then all hope is truly lost. Well, I guess all good things must come to an end. G.I. Joe started in the 60's and had a good run, Leave it to Stephen Sommers to destroy it.

Out of all this crap though, I will admit that Baroness looks hot. What are your feelings on G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra?

The New G.I. Joe Cartoon looks like it is going to kick ass though! Check it out!


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