Review: THE VELOCIPASTOR is Great for Fans of Ridiculously Bad Films

What can I say about The VelociPastor? It’s a movie. It’s only 1 hour 15 minutes. It is a nonstop riot. This film is in the same vein as Sharknado in the ridiculous and bad but fun to watch kind of movie. I don’t know where to start this review to be honest. I guess I’ll start with the best parts of the movie. Greg Cohan and Alyssa Kempinski give this movie their all. Their dedication to this project take a ridiculous script and keep it from being too bad. They are what keeps this movie in the fun part of the bell-curve of bad movies. Also, in my opinion, the underwear fight scene that we get a glimpse of in the trailer is the best part of the entire movie, and it’s not because the two leads are in their underwear. It’s a fun scene to watch and pure ridiculous when the context of the story is added.

Where did this movie go wrong? Well, quite frankly a lot of places, but I imagine a lot of it was done on purpose to get laughs such as the “raptor” costume (spoiler, it looks more like a T-Rex than a raptor). However, there are some things that don’t work even when you look at it from that angle. Towards the beginning, a car explodes. We don’t see the explosion, but we see the car before the explosion and then after the explosion we merely see text in its place saying “VFX: Car on Fire.” I thought that I had accidentally been given an incomplete version of the film. I was informed that it was an intentional gag, but it fell flat because throughout the rest of the movie, nothing like that occurs again. I think it would’ve worked better if in other parts of the film they did a similar thing (maybe whenever anything uses fire for instance).

Another turn off for the film is that for the majority of the film, there’s no music except the occasional punk pop song written by someone you’re convinced is the director’s nephew. Later in the film, there’s some ambient music to help give the audience some cues as to what is going on, so I don’t know why there isn’t any earlier.

If you like stupid movies that are terrible, but fun to watch, The VelociPastor is a riot. If you don’t like the kind of films that would be used in Mystery Science Theater 3000, look elsewhere.

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