YOGA HOSERS Is Kevin Smith's Worst and Most Embarrassing Film - Sundance Review
For the most part, I've enjoyed Kevin Smith's movies. I've enjoyed his style of filmmaking, the characters he's created, and the stories that he's told. Some I've liked more than others, but they all managed to entertain on some level. Hell, I even enjoyed Tusk because of how messed up and insane it was! So yeah, I was looking forward to seeing Yoga Hosers.
Unfortunately, the movie was awful. Yoga Hosers is Smith's worst film, and it's barely watchable. I hate that I am writing a bad review for this film, but for some reason he went out and made this absurd movie turd. As I was watching the film, all I could think about is what would possess him to waste his talent on such a thing!? Maybe he did it for his daughter so that she could star in it?
The movie centers on two 15-year-old girls named Colleen Collette (Harley Quinn Smith) and Colleen McKenzie (Lily-Rose Melody Depp). They bury their heads in their smartphones and take yoga from an instructor played by Justin Long. They also sing in a small band they created and work at the Manitoban convenience store Eh-2-Zed. These two characters are annoying as hell, and you can say that about every other character in this film.
After enjoying the great characters that he's created in the past, it was so weird to see him backtrack and develop an ensemble of characters I couldn't stand.
I kind of get into some spoiler stuff at this point:
As they are living their lives they learn that their town was home to a Nazi splinter group during World War II. The leader of this Nazi group has been lying in wait in an underground bunker beneath the convenience store that the girls work in. This ancient evil rises to cause chaos in the world, and the two Colleens team up with a legendary man-hunter from Montreal named Guy Lapointe (Johnny Depp). What do they have to fight you ask? An army of Nazi sausages that force themselves up people's assholes.
Look, I know it sounds like it could be a cool film concept, but it's executed in the worst possible ways. He must have made the movie bad on purpose. It's like he knew that the movie was going to get bad reviews so he interjected a part in the film where he makes it clear that he doesn't like critics. In fact, the first mission of the Nazi sausages was to kill all the critics in the world because they aren't real people.
There are couple funny moments, though. I liked the line, "Haters have to hate; douches have to douche." And there was a great little cameo by Kevin Conroy, the voice of Batman in Batman: The Animated Series. That was actually my favorite part of the movie. Everything else just seemed like a complete embarrassment and a waste of talent. The character that Depp plays is the worst thing he's ever done. My least favorite part of the film involved Ralph Garman, who plays the Nazi leader. At one point he reveals his entire master plan to the girls while doing a bunch of different celebrity impressions that aren't really even that good. The whole scene played as him saying to the audience, "Hey! Look what I can do!" The whole thing just came off as annoying.
Apparently, Smith said he made the film for 13-year-old girls, so I'm obviously not the demographic. But seriously, he could have given this 13-year-old girl demographic a better film to watch. I know I wouldn't want my girls to watch it because it would probably make them dumber. I seriously wonder if he made this movie to purposely fuck with his fans and critics.
This just seemed like lazy filmmaking for a pointless film that just cracked countless bad Canadian jokes along the way. If Smith isn't sorry he made this movie, he should be. I was trying to think of a movie to compare it to, and the thought popped into my head that it was worse than Robert Rodriquez's Shark Boy and Lava Girl.
As much as I disliked this movie, I'm still excited to see what he does with Mallrats 2 and Clerks 3. Who knows, maybe some of you will actually like Yoga Hosers. If you do, I'd sure like to know why.