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Movie Review: G.I. JOE: RISE OF COBRA

by Joey Paur

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As a huge G.I. Joe fan, this is not the G.I. Joe movie I have been waiting for all these years. I didn’t like anything I saw from the film that has been released in trailers and such, and as you know I have not been giving the film much positive exposure leading up to its release. I went in with extremely low expectations hoping that it would surprise the hell out of, but it didn’t. It was everything I expected it to be.

If you are looking forward to seeing this movie, and you are excited for it, then you will enjoy G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra. If you were like me, and think it was going to be a bad adaptation of an awesome cartoon, then you are going to to see all of it’s faults and weaknesses, and there are a lot of weaknesses, but you will most likely have a fun time watching it.

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G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra is first and foremost a live-action cartoon. It will awaken the little kid in you. The film was written with the same quality as a Saturday morning cartoon. It was like the writers just started watching the original cartoon and picked out everything they thought the audience and fans would want to see, then put it in a blender and mixed it together puree style. There are a ton of one-liners in this movie that are meant to be a shout out to the original cartoon series but they are in the most random places and badly delivered, like when Ripcord says to Road Block, "Hey look, real life-like hair, and a kung fu grip." The dialogue was completely awful. A lot of it didn’t make any sense because it contradicted itself. One thing would be said, and the next part of the dialogue would totally contradict what was just said.

The story is as simple as a story could get, there’s no brain power behind it, and no reason to think while watching the movie. If you do think while you’re watching the movie then you’re going to see so many plot holes, and a lot of ridiculousness. The film is about G.I. Joe trying to stop MARS from launching a nano bot attack on the world. The film also serves as an origin story for all of the most popular G.I. Joe, full of unnecessary flashbacks for Duke, Destro, Baroness, Snake Eyes, Cobra Commander and Stormshadow. To enjoy this movie at full capacity do yourself a favor and try not to think.

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The film was incredibly action packed though! One huge action sequence after another, they were the best part of the movie. It is the one thing that reminded of the original cartoon, it was over the top, fun and violent. There are a lot of people that are killed in this movie, Cobra shows just how evil they are, there is no regard for human life. The special effects however were sub-par, with the millions of dollars they pumped into this movie you’d think they would have developed some great special effects, but no, they really cheaped out on them.

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The acting was as wooden as wood can be. But you didn’t expect great acting in a film like this anyway, accept it for what it is, they acted as good as the animated characters did. I will say that I did not like Channing Tatum as Duke, he is not Duke material. Duke is supposed to be smart, educated, mature, and tough. Tatum was the exact opposite. Sienna Miller as Baroness on the other hand was great! I thought she did a fine job acting in the role, and she was insanely beautiful, by far the best thing to look at in the film from a guys perspective. She looks great with dark hair. Then there is Joseph Gordon-Levitt as the Doctor/Cobra Commander, this guy is a great actor, but damn, I’m not sure what happened with this film, it was pretty bad. I blame the director. I hated Cobra Commanders new look by the way. As for everyone else, they did their best with the dialogue they had to work with.

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They tried to throw in a lot of humor, but it fell flat most of the time. There are also several parts in the film and plot points that I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at. The film was incredibly silly, but I guess that was part of its charm. The Accelerator Suits were pretty pointless in the film, I wasn't really impressed with them in the one action sequence they were used in. Then when they should have used them they didn't.

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With all of the disappointments and complaints I have, the movie was still entertaining, and I ultimately enjoyed the movie going experience. It was better than Transformers 2, for the fact that the story, and action sequences are not so cluttered and it doesn't make things so ridiculously over-complicated for no reason, but I guess that's not saying much. G.I. Joe has got a little bit of everything for everyone. If you're up for a mindless fun action-packed roller coaster ride, then G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra will not disappoint you. Don't take this movie so seriously when you watch it, just enjoy it for what it is. Now that I’ve seen it, and got all the critical stuff out of my system, I may actually see it again, but this time I will shut my brain off. In the end it pretty much insults the audiences intelligence.

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