The Fake Movies of Seinfeld

I was watching Seinfeld the other night and it was one of the many episodes that reference a fake movie made up just for the show. One of the things Jerry, George, Elaine, and Krammer liked to do in the series was go to the movies, and I thought it would be fun to put together a list of all the fake movies mentioned in Seinfeld, and give whatever information we have on them. Here's what I came up with.

Rochelle, Rochelle

Rochelle, Rochelle is a movie whose only positive aspect is its nudity. According to reactions to the movie throughout the series, the plot is completely unbearable, but is still revered because of its nudity.

The tagline for the film was as follows, "A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk."

The dialogue in the show tells us that the film is an erotic romance "about life, love, and becoming a woman.”

George calls Rochelle, Rochelle "A foreign movie...a film, is what it is".

Susan Ross notes that it contains "a lot of nudity."

Elaine remarked, "Men will sit through the most boring pointless movie if there's the slightest chance a woman will take her top off."

The fake film was then adapted into a fake stage play in the show which starred Bette Midler.

Prognosis Negative

This movie was actually based on an actual screenplay written by Seinfeld co-creator Larry David in the 1980’s which was never actually produced.

The film is about a man who receives a negative result on a medical test, which he mistakenly believes to be bad. This story line is actually referenced in the Seinfeld episode The Pilot, Part 2, when George breaks down after hearing that the test results for the possibly cancerous white spot on his lip came out negative, only to be corrected by the doctor on the other end.

Sack Lunch

The film is discussed in the episode The English Patient. It is released the same day as The English Patient. And if you remember, The English Patient is a movie which Elaine develops an intense hatred for. She really wanted to see Sack Lunch.

One of the questions that bothers Elaine is whether the people on the poster for the movie got shrunk down or if they are in a giant sack; it apparently does not occur to her that the poster art could be symbolic only. T

he film is apparently supposed to be a reference to light, escapist comedies that have large commercial appeal despite critical responses that are muted at best. She never gets to see the movie.

Chunnel

This is probably one of the more famous fake Seinfeld films. This is the movie where Susan keeps shushing Jerry and Eliane as they discuss the confusing plot of the film as they are watching it.

From what we’ve heard of the movie's content, the plot involves an explosion in the Channel Tunnel which causes its evacuation.

Larry David can be heard saying the line, "Everybody out of the Chunnel!"

Writer David Mandel states that the plot of Chunnel involves the President's daughter being trapped in the 'Chunnel' between England and France.

We also can hear an exchange between a fictional President of the United States and a presidential advisor: "Mr. President, your daughter is in the Chunnel".

The tagline of the film was "Chunnel: 32 Miles of Hell".

The portions of the movie that are seen in the episode are from The American President.

Blimp: The Hindenburg Story

This movie is obviously based on the Hinenburg disaster.

If you remember this is the episode where while George is watching the movie he shouts out in the theater, "That's gotta hurt!" as the Hindenburg explodes. This causes the audience members to laugh in the theater.

Later, while George is stuck in traffic, he decides to go see the movie again with hopes of using the same line to make people laugh. His plan is ruined by another moviegoer who uses a laser pointer to make fun of the film. After leaving the film when his line produces no laughter, he is followed by the moviegoer with the laser pointer for the rest of the episode.

CheckMate

This is another classic fake film in the Seinfeld series. The film is the center of the plot of the episode where Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer all try to meet up to see the movie together, but because of a series of problems, three of the four, independently, find themselves watching Rochelle, Rochelle instead.

The movie poster for the film is visible in the episode, and Larry David voices a role in the film, parts of which are overheard when the characters are in the movie theater:

Larry David: I didn't know you enjoyed chess, your majesty.

King: Why wouldn't I?

Larry David: Because the king is always in jeopardy.

King: Yes, but it's only a game!

Larry David: (suspiciously) Yes, of course...only a game.

Firestorm

You might remember Jerry discussing the movie with a friend, and tells him about one of the crazy scenes in the film saying, Harrison Ford "jumped out of the plane and was shooting back up at them while he was falling." His friend references an "underwater escape."

Then according to Susan Ross' dad, in one scene of the movie, a helicopter lands on top of a car. He calls the film, "a hell of a picture". Immediately after Mr. Ross speaks about this scene, an angry Frank Costanza loudly admonishes Mr. Ross for 'spoiling it for me'.

Death Blow

Best movie title ever! This is the film that Kramer’s buddy Brody was bootlegging. While standing outside of the theater, Jerry and Kramer hear a loud explosion, which prompts Kramer to exclaim, "Ah man, we're missin' the death blow!" 

Jerry ends up bootlegging this movie and becomes a bootlegging legend for his excellent work in recording it. 

According to overheard dialogue, there is a character in the film named Death Blow. An offhand comment by Kramer reveals that there is a Hawaiian man who may have received "the final Death Blow" because Kramer believed "he really had it comin'." 

Kramer delivers the tagline in this episode: "When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but because of different reasons altogether!" 

Apparently, it also contains a scene in which an unnamed antagonist and the titular character "meet again."

Agent Zero

Agent Zero derives its name from a screenplay Seinfeld writer David Mandel always wanted to write.

Brown-Eyed Girl

A reference to the song "Brown Eyed Girl" by Van Morrison.

Chow Fun

Elaine calls to find out what time it will be showing.

Mountian High

This is an R-Rated film starring Kevin Bacon and Susan Sarandon.

Kramer reads its tagline from the newspaper "There's no higher place than... Mountain High!", and also recites some dialogue from the film: "You've gotta get me over that mountain!," followed by a fake explosion and exaggerated scream.

Cupids Rival

I got nothin.

Cry, Cry Again

This is a film that Krmmer’s bootlegging friend Brody described as "an arty movie," 

Jerry refuses to record a bootleg copy, and Kramer is forced to do it. 

The film probably takes place at least in part in Paris, as a view of the Eiffel Tower is shown near the end (this scene is from a real movie - Forget Paris).  

Jerry says that in one scene, a character is "trying to buy back a loaf of his soul," symbolized by a loaf of bread.

The Pain and the Yearning

A 192-minute fictitious film, whose plot is simply "An old woman experiences pain and yearning." Elaine passes over this film to see Weekend at Bernie's II (a Gene pick), prompting Vincent to recommend Betrayed.

Blame it on the Rain

Elaine and her date Todd Gack are forced to see this movie when Means to an End (see below) is sold out.

Means to An End

Even though it is sold out, Jerry's beautiful girlfriend Nikki manages to get two tickets to see this movie.

Cold Fusion

Jerry mentions plans to see this film with Kramer, who is unable to go because of a long day "working" at Brandt and Leland.

The Muted Heart

This film stars Glenn Close and Sally Field. George would like to see Firestorm, but due to his recent engagement with Susan, he is forced to see this film instead.

The Other Side of Darkness

This is a direct-to-video release about a female coma victim and her husband, played "unforgettably" by Eric Roberts. The film is longer than two hours and concludes with the coma victim regaining consciousness. Kramer rents this movie and subsequently visits a lawyer to deal with the possibility of himself being in a coma, until he sees the end of the film, at which point he attempts to revoke his living will.

Ponce De Leon

Elaine and George see this film together instead of Prognosis Negative. The film is discussed in the episode a bit, and we know George liked it and Elaine hated it.

The film concerns the Spanish conquistador Juan Ponce de León and his mythical search for the Fountain of Youth.

One scene that especially got to George is when Ponce De Leon and his crew splash around in a supposed Fountain of Youth, only to realize, when he looks in a mirror, that it did not have mystical powers.

Flaming Globes of Sigmund

Jerry dreams about a scene from a sci-fi film while sleeping and wakes to scribble the line "Like flaming globes of Sigmund" down on a piece of paper because he thinks it is funny. He spends the rest of the episode trying to figure out what he wrote. 

The episode ends with Jerry turning on the TV to find Flaming Globes of Sigmund on with Larry David voicing the dialogue "It's just as you prophesied! The planets of our solar system, incinerating. Like flaming globes, Sigmund. Like flaming globes. Ah, ha, ha, ha..". 

So There ya have it! I think I got 'em all, if I missed any please let me know! There were also a few actual real films that made it into some Seinfeld like Plan 9 from Outer Space, The English Patient, and Schindler's List. 

If any of these were actually to be made into a real film which one would you want to see more?