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Zombie Apocalypse Food Survival Guide

Humor by Zack Parks

 

If survival is the name of the game during a zombie apocalypse, being well-prepared can be the difference between life and death. You can have the right tools, the right weapons, trustworthy transportation, and the fortitude to use them, but without proper nourishment, you're essentially delaying the inevitable. Many films and TV shows involving zombies have sequences of hunting wild animals in pretty gruesome fashion. However, you can be better off without resorting to that by taking stock of your inventory now (and not having to pay $24,000 for a zombie survival kit).

 

The best foodstuffs to have on hand during a zombie apocalypse are non-perishable goods. Milk can sour, bread can mold, cheese can harden. Food that can be preserved are recommended highly (canned specifically). Old sodas have been proven to have a surprising amount of carbonation after 25 years if perfectly preserved. 


 

 

One interesting canned product available is the Candwich. Literally, a canned sandwich. Unfortunately, it's one of those ideas that sounds cooler than it really is. It's not pre-made inside the can, you have to make it yourself. And I hear the "candy surprise inside" tastes terrible. Still, aside from "some assembly required," the Candwich should provide just what you need to get through the day running from zombies. 

 

One of the most frequently referenced foods when it comes to any kind of apocalypse is the Twinkie. Legend has it that should utter disaster befall the world, Twinkies can serve as a viable food source. I can personally disavow this notion by referencing one of my favorite films: Zombieland. In Zombieland, Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) is on an endless search for a Twinkie. He tells Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg), "Believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date." That couldn't be more true. I won a Twitter contest from the official Zombieland Twitter handle. In the mail, I received a Zombieland Blu-Ray, a Zombieland hand sanitizer ("You guys want some Purell?"), and a Zombieland-sponsored box of Twinkies. However, as Tallahassee predicted, these Twinkies were as solid as a rock.

So even though most would have you believe Twinkies are immortal, make sure they are fresh. So when you're on the run for zombies, remember to stock the food above. Because if you eat right, you don't get eaten!

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