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If BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN vs. CAPTAIN AMERICA 3 Were a Boxing Match

Batman Cosplay by Kyuro / Image by GeekTyrant

Yesterday, Disney confirmed that Marvel's Captain America 3 will be going directly up against Zack Snyder’s Batman Vs. Superman. The films are to be released the same day, and neither studio is showing any sign of backing down. In an interview with Bloomberg (via ComingSoon), Dan Fellman, president of domestic distribution for Warner Bros, stated that there are no plans to change the release date of the Man of Steel sequel:

“It doesn’t make a lot of sense for two huge superhero films to open on the same date but there is a lot of time between now and 5/6/16. However at this time, we are not considering a change of date for Batman vs. Superman.”

A lot can happen in two years. But for now, if these two films are gonna kick off the summer blockbusters of 2016, I think this showdown deserves a proper introduction.


Boxing Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the movie theater. It’s May 6th, 2016, and we have the summer’s main event.

Introducing first, from the Marvel/Disney corner, wearing red, white, and blue shorts… no wait, he’s putting on a new outfit — it’s a much more “stealth” outfit made of kevlar with only a few red accents… oh wait, no. He’s getting back into his old uniform now… from Brooklyn, NY, it’s Captain America!

In the Warner Bros/DC corner, wearing red shorts… no wait, he’s removing the red shorts. And he’s just… ummmm, leaving them off. He’s now explaining to the judges that the S on his chest is not actually an S, but a symbol that means “hope.” The judges seem unphased by his remarks. From the alien planet of Krypton, it’s Superman!

Let's get ready to RUUUUUUMMMBLE!

Commentator 1 : This is quite the matchup. But there’s no doubt that, in terms of powers, Kal-El is the more naturally gifted opponent. 

Commentator 2: True. But he hasn't had a fight in 3 years. Captain Rogers has a lot of momentum going into this fight. After he and The Avengers pulled off the ultimate team-up back in 2012, he continued to get into the ring. He made a cameo appearance in Thor: The Dark World which pleased fans a lot. He had a record breaking box-office weekend for his second solo film. And let’s not even get into how he and The Avengers handled themselves against Ultron last year.

Commentator 1: Yes, it was amazing when he — Oh wait! What’s this?! A third challenger??? 

Commentator 2: It seems Batman is now getting into the ring and wants to go toe-to-toe with the Man of Steel. This is interesting, but one can’t help but assume that they’re gonna resolve their differences and team up at some point in this fight.

Commentator 1: If you look in the crowd you can see other members of the Justice League waiting to get into the ring as well. They’re wearing disguises, but they’re not fooling anyone. 

Commentator 2: I’m sure we can expect to see them pop up toward the end of this showdown. Maybe not in a satisfying way, but surely they'll do just enough to build anticipation for the next fight.

Commentator 1: I'm surprised anyone is in the crowd at all tonight. There were devastating casualties and an obscene amount of destruction the last time Superman got into a fight.

Commentator 2: Let's hope Captain Rogers doesn't get caught in one of Superman's signature "headlocks."

Commentator 1: The judges would surely deduct points for that move. But they have looked past the fact that Captain Rogers brought his shield into the ring, so who knows. 

Commentator 2: Well, it’s the end of Round 1. We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors. 

Commentator 1: This fight is brought to you by your childhood. Your childhood self dreamed that these movies would be possible, and here they are.
 
Commentator 2: This fight is also sponsored by overpriced movie theater popcorn. Overpriced Movie Theater Popcorn, you’re stepping on it.

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